There is one thing about me, that truly shaped me, and many don't even know is: I am a Cancer Survivor.
I was 9 years old when my life drastically changed forever. Little did I know, someone had bigger and better plans for me, as I fought for my survival. Cancer was about to wreck my world & bring so much more to it.
This is my story.
Part 1: The Diagnosis
My life was about to change in a matter of moments. A change no one would of expected. Except this change didn't ruin my life. This change made living this beautiful life so much more meaningful.
It was the summer of 2004. The year that halter tops were all the rage, Lizzy McGuire was "the thing" to watch, and Gripz Chips Deluxe Cookies were the best snack- like EVER.
Life was normal, as normal as it could get for a 9 year old. I was involved in a lot of sports at the time. I was doing midget league cheerleading, horse back riding lessons, and just started taking gymnastic classes too. I really liked gymnastics at this time and I really wish I could of continued it. Sadly, someone else had different plans for the way my life was going to go and gymnastics was not one of them.
My sister and I were enjoying summer and playing in our pool just about everyday. Nothing unusual here. Right? Wrong. We were playing a harmless game. A game where my sister would swing me around the pool; holding onto one of my arms. We were laughing and playing until everything changed. I started screaming! Horrifying screams to make her let go. I was in so much pain. My mom rushed to the side of the pool and pulled me out. She had thought that maybe my sister had pulled my arm out of the socket. The pain slightly dulled down as the evening went on, but was still sore.
"Mom, somethings not right. I don't feel good."
The next morning, I woke up feeling like my right arm weighed 50lbs or more. I couldn't lift it. I couldn't stand up straight. It slouched so far over to right. It hurt so bad. The pain was so much to tolerate that I was puking in the bathroom. Something's not right. My mom was shocked, speechless, and clueless. She had no idea what may be wrong with me and thankfully she didn't just shrug it off. She made a phone call to my pediatrician. We headed there immediately.
We weren't there very long. The doctor had one look at me and either he already knew or he had a gut feeling that this was beyond his abilities. He told us he was calling the children's hospital and notifying them that we were going to be on our way. We left and drove straight to the hospital. A hospital a hour away and the pain was just getting worse with every bump I felt in the car. I don't remember much from when we arrived at the hospital to the point of when they did the test to determine my issue.
I know they took x-rays. Are x-rays suppose to hurt? Taking and bending my arm in ways that it couldn't be bent at the time. I couldn't move it away from body without any kind of pain. I felt this was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I was so wrong. Worse was still coming and I was not prepared. They finished the x-rays and saw a spot on my bone in my shoulder. They needed to do more testing. This is where things went a little crazy. I don't fault the doctors, the interns, or the hospital as a whole. What happen next was a complete accident--- a miscommunication.
I was in my hospital room and my doctor came in to ask if we would give permission for two interns to help in this next procedure. My parents answered and must have agreed. Although, none of us expected what was about to happen and no one could speak fast enough. Again, we were tired, clueless, scared, and just wanted answers. Two interns returned to my room. They quickly told us what they needed to do: extract bone marrow from my right shoulder. Before I could say anything, a alcohol swabbing cloth was rubbed over my arm like I was going to get a flu shot. HA! This needle was not flu shot size. Have you ever seen a needle so large you could see the opening of the tip? I have. They grabbed my arm and my Mom held me around my waist. She was terrified too. As soon as that needle went in my arm and crunched through my bone, I screamed my bloody head off! I screamed so loud I probably lost my voice! My doctor flew into my room. He screamed at the interns to "STOP!". Stop. Yes, please stop. They had already finished. The doctor was furious at them. He came back moments later, apologizing, and explaining to us that this procedure was meant to be done while I was under. I wasn't suppose to be awake for that.
I wasn't suppose to be, but I was.
I don't blame them! Let's get that clear. I'm not mad at them. I don't hold grudges-- a fine quality about me. I can't hold grudges. It wasn't long after that we got results back. At this point, I was in a different room. A more "permanent" room I would assume. The doctors came to pull my parents away to deliver the results. I imagine in that room, it felt heavy, and as if time just stopped. Maybe it felt like time was being taken away or maybe it felt like their world was ending.
Cancer. She has cancer.
Cancer. That's such a big and unfamiliar word for a 9 year old. I didn't know what cancer meant. My parents returned to my room and my mom walked over to me. She had been crying; I could tell. She was nervous as she came to my side, sat down beside me, and prepared to tell me the news. "Sweetie, you have cancer. The doctors are going to do everything they can to help you." she told me. I looked at her and without a hesitation I replied, "It's okay mom, I'm not going anywhere."
I smiled. I couldn't help but smile and just continue to be me. I was always a very positive person. I was in the hospital for a week and within that week I had beat cancer. "Beating Cancer" was just step 1. That was just a crap ton of super powerful drugs that would kill all cancer cells in my body. That part seemed simple. The hard part was what came next: Chemotherapy. Surgeries. Loosing my hair. Steroids. Pills.
The next few years were about to be a intense part of my life. A crucial time in my life that was going to shape me into the person I am today. I full heartily believe that I would of been a completely different person if I hadn't gone through cancer. Cancer was a blessing in disguise. It made me more grateful for everyday. I learned to forgive and forget pretty quickly. I learned to just live and live that moment to it's fullest. I'm not talking about jumping off a airplane and go sky diving. I'm not that kind of "living in the moment" type of person ha ha. I'm talking about soaking in every ounce of where you are; here and now. Filling your mind with so many precious memories that it over flows. Remember that Tim McGraw song; "Live Like You Were Dying"? That song released in 2004. That song speaks volumes to me.
"Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying."
Someday, someday was my everyday and my everyday after. I got to live like everyday I might of been dying and I live everyday like it might be my last. What impression did I leave on others today? Did I go out of my way to be kinder to someone else? Did I show the ones I love how much I truly love them? Just like I said before, I can't hold grudges. Maybe that is a blessing and a curse. Grudges make me feel yucky. Mentally and emotionally yucky. I'd rather not feel that way, so I just choose to not put energy into feeling hate towards anyone or any situation. I once thought to myself when I was going through cancer, that I wished everyone could go through cancer and live. Just to experience it and become a kinder person after. Your whole world changes and everything just seemed to click and make sense.
I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. A type of cancer of the blood and bone marrow that affects white blood cells. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia is the most common childhood cancer. It occurs when a bone marrow cell develops errors in its DNA. There are different types of Leukemia and different severe nesses. The way the doctors explained it to me, a 9 year old, was everyone is born with cancer cells. Sometimes these cancer cells never react, sometimes you are old when these cancer cells react, and sometimes you are a child. I was lucky to catch it so early. I know many don't always get the outcome I did. When they diagnosed me, my estimate time of survival without treatment was 6 months. That would of put my last days around Christmas and my birthday of that year. I am so lucky to have had gotten the help and to have parents who could afford to pay the bills. Something I have always thought about long after my experience. What if my parents couldn't afford to save me?
Next Time...
In Part 2, I will jump into telling about my first surgery and the struggles I endured next as I start my treatment process.
How Can You Help?
Not all kids get the outcome I did and many families struggle to afford medical bills. If you wish to help make a small difference in someone's life, please check out these organizations to make that difference!
www.cancer.org/involved/donate
www.stjude.org/donate
www.childhoodcancer.org
www.cancerresearch.org
www.wigskidsforkids.org
www.uhhospitals.org/rainbow/about/giving-to-uh-rainbow
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My Cancer Story: Part 1 Written and Published by Jaclyn Ziefle
The Daffodil and Lily Blog 2020