An open letter to our unborn child,
I wrote earlier this year that it would be a dream of mine, that I have had since I was a little girl, to have three little ones. Except, the dream I had and the reality we lived in were not meeting eye to eye. I had been through a big medical scare. I almost and could have possibly not of made it. We had to face the challenges of being set back to heal, financially being slammed with outrageously large medical bills, left to figure out how to manage it all, on top of it- taken off birth control, and put on blood thinners. Thankfully, we had gotten extremely lucky and most of our medical bills have been taken care of for us by the hospitals. We only have to worry about a couple thousand in medical bills instead of hundreds of thousands. Helicopters aren't cheap rides.
We decided to prevent pregnancy while on blood thinners using Natural Cycles. We became confident in it and it was working for us. We truly enjoyed this way of preventing pregnancy. Although, my thoughts of longing for that dream third child would become stronger. I started to think maybe this is just meant to happen. This was all meant to happen to lead up to something much bigger than myself. I believe strongly our lives are written and everything happens for a reason. My husband didn't want more children like I did. I decided it was best to let it be in God's hands.
We weren't planning a pregnancy. We weren't trying to get pregnant. We had been preventing, we were trusting the app, and trusting ourselves. Maybe we trusted ourselves too much. Except, my periods had been the same length of days for the last three months. My ovulation window was the same few days for the last couple months. I knew when it was safe and not safe to be intimate. Something happened... and I'm not too sure what exactly because I haven't seen our doctor yet (at the time of originally writing this). I should have ovulated between day 19-21 like I had been. The app originally thought this too. I kept adding my daily temps into the app and it started to change the predicted ovulation window to day 28-30. I was on my 32-35 days of my cycle and I knew this wasn't right. Did I happen to ovulate REALLY early? Did I ovulate REALLY late? Either way... we had originally thought we were in safe zones with both time frames. Except, in both time frames of really early ovulation in the cycle or really late ovulation in the cycle, there was chance we could have been pregnant. Update: We have found out that I ovulated much later in my cycle than I had been previously.
I took a test on a Wednesday. At first, I thought it's negative. There was a extremely faint almost nonexistent second line. Was I? Could I be? Is this one of those false positives? I sent a photo of the test to my sister, who is also pregnant, and to my husband. We together tried to figure out if it was or wasn't. I ended up calling my doctor that's been following me on my blood thinners. I needed to call him because it was a big "no no" to be pregnant while taking blood thinners. My husband was very worried about the possible side effects that may of occurred or could occur. The only thing we had going for us was "timing". That Wednesday, of that week, was the last week, and the last couple days I needed to take blood thinner pills. Update: At this time, I would have only been 3 weeks pregnant.
When I called the doctor, they told me not to worry about taking the last couple pills. I could take them and it would be okay. When I come into the appointment, there would be a chance they would prescribe be Lovenox. I then looked up what that was and discovered it was a blood thinning medication given by injections. I instantly wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I've been through a lot in life, but there's no way I would be able to willingly give myself injections twice a day or have someone else give injections. I started to stress, anxiety built, I worried, and I panicked about the cost. What was our future going to look like?
I needed to try to stop worrying. Ask questions at the doctors first, which was only two days later. The doctor requested I take another test before coming in. This way they could determine what actions needed to take place. I woke up that morning and tested again. That second faint practically nonexistent line, became a more visible faint line. This was happening. This was really happening.
I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant with a dream pregnancy I never thought I would be blessed to have. I never thought I would get one last chance to do things I wish I got to during my last pregnancies. As much as I am shocked that this is happening and we are so unprepared, but I felt so much peace, and reassurance that everything was going to work out in this pregnancy.
Surprisingly, my doctor gave me the best news I could ever imagine. I feared I would be giving myself injections to keep this baby alive and bring it into the world. I was relieved when my doctor told me that he strongly believed my blood clot was provoked by several variables that happened to me 7 months ago. He didn't believe this was a health concern and I would not need to continue taking blood thinners for any reason. Not even during pregnancy. My mouth dropped. I was so relieved and so happy. Everything happens for a reason. You just need to trust the process.... so I thought.
Want to know what makes this pregnancy even more special? My sister is pregnant at the same time too. We get to be pregnant together. Her child and my child will be four months apart in age and get to grow up together. They get to be so close together and hopefully have a special little cousin bond. My other two children are four and eight. They're older and will love their little cousin, but as they age, they just won't have that same connection as these two littles might have.
Now I'm impatiently waiting for my first obgyn appt to come around. My first appointment is coming soon. I've been wondering, worrying, and things cross my mind. Is the pregnancy healthy? Is everything growing the way it should? I was taking blood thinners. Did something happen? I just really need to know if this pregnancy is growing the way it should and attached the way it should. If this pregnancy isn't healthy... I might lose a bit of myself. I highly doubt we would try again. I could be wrong.. but I just need to know. Will there be a day I get to hold you?
I can't stand waiting. I need to know. I can't wait to find out the gender of this baby. Not only so we know which of our children will share a room, but because I'm already convinced it's a girl. This pregnancy is already so similar to my first. If I wasn't tracking my basal body temperature with Natural Cycles, I probably would have blamed it on stress. When I was pregnant the first time with my daughter, I was already about 8 weeks into my pregnancy before I knew. I had zero pregnancy symptoms my first time around. I hardly dealt with much negative side effects to be honest.
This pregnancy I've experienced nausea for a couple days during during week 5; the week I found out. (Later found out this would of only been week 3 and felt these symptoms more around week 4). The start of week 6 and nausea isn't a problem. In all my pregnancies, I have never been so nauseous I needed to hurl. I'm going to thank my lucky stars for that one. The symptoms I have been experiencing with this third pregnancy are slight cramping in the abdomen and pelvic, bloating and gas, backaches, insomnia, tender breasts, and always needing to pee. I'm only 6 weeks in and I need to pee ALL the dang time. For the most part, everything is just mild. I could easily fluff off most of the symptoms and go about my day.
Where as with my son's pregnancy, I knew around 4 weeks before a test! I knew I was pregnant. I had a UTI, extremely tender and sore breasts, and I didn't like the sight of any food unless it was a big pice of red meat. Usually a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with cheese would do the trick to fix my nausea and food aversions. That pregnancy was a little rough to start. The food aversions was hard to work around.
That's why I believe this pregnancy may be a girl. I could be totally wrong! I'm okay with being totally wrong and I won't be mad if it's a boy. Your sister desperately wants a sister. I would love to see her have a sister relationship and bond. Your brother wants a brother, but honestly I think he would love any little baby. He was swooning over the baby shower gifts my sister received at her shower and curious as to how a baby fits inside the little clothes.
I'll be openly honest; your father wasn't excited at first. He had already expressed to me that he did not want more children. For about two months straight I asked and begged for him to let me have one more after I was off blood thinners. It got to the point that I annoyed him and I knew better to drop it and let it be. When he first found out I was pregnant his reaction was different then I expected. I thought he be pretty upset and mad. Instead, he was more neutral with the idea and just stressed about my SUV being too small and the house not having an extra room for you. He worried more about how I would make an income with a newborn. You see, your siblings were both going to be in school all day starting next fall. Giving me the ultimate opportunity to have a full time day job while they're at school. This kind of puts a set back to that plan, but I don't mind. We'll figure it out like we always do. ( And boy did everything fall into line shortly after... more on that to come)
I wonder what you'll be like.
I wonder what you'll look like. Your sister resembles me in many ways. Her auburn hair and joyful little sunshine spirit. Your brother undeniably resembles your farther. His bleach blonde hair that has slightly darken with length and age. We still aren't sure where the blonde hair came from? I suppose somewhere down along the family history genes were passed. Your sisters' eyes are hazel green and your brothers' eyes are blue. Oh they're a beautiful blue with this mysterious spot of brown in his right eye. I never wanted my kids to be stuck with brown eyes like mine. I always admired blue eyes. Your father has blue eyes, except his birth certificate claims he has green. Will you have blue? Green? Perhaps you will be the first child of mine to inherit my brown eyes! Maybe.... maybe you will be so lucky to not get brown eyes. Wouldn't that be something?! I wonder if you'll have auburn hair and blue eyes. Oh how gorgeous would you be. I wonder if you'll look more like me. I wonder if you'll look more like him. I wonder if you'll look more like them. I wonder who you'll be.
I wonder what kind of mom I'll be.
I haven't always been the most patient these last couple of years. Sometimes I forget and my thoughts spiral out of control. I slip and am too quick to yell, before I knew it, I blew it, and I'm trying to make up for I reacted. I try to apologize and take back what I said and what I felt in that moment. It's usually too late and your siblings are made at me for a minute. Understandably so. Sometimes, Mommies need a time out too. This is all still new to me too.
I've been trying to work on it though. I try to think before I speak. I try to count and let it go, then help your siblings with their issues or frustrations. I'm trying to be better and that's better than not trying at all. I'm trying to use my words and not my volume. I'll try to keep improving so maybe I'll be better when you're around too. Juggling three I'm sure isn't easy.
I'd be lying if I wasn't fearful...
The last time I was pregnant I dealt with undiagnosed post partum anxiety and possibly depression too. Something that most moms don't talk about. I didn't think I needed help, I thought I was managing pretty well. I fear it could happen again, but I know this time around to speak up and get help if I need it. You never have to be alone or rely on only yourself to raise a child. I also developed this weird reaction after having your brother, a reaction where your body is allergic to it's self due to the changing hormones in a women's body after delivery. I was covered in itchy hives. I had to see a doctor and get steroids to clear them. A body covered in hives, a c-section scar healing, a newborn baby, and a toddler to take care of too. You can only imagine the chaos of that first week home. Although I have fears, it's all worth it. I would do it again and again, if it means I get to hold you in the end.
I can't wait to be your mom. I can't wait for you to be in our lives, apart of our family, and be loved by so many people who haven't even met you yet. I truly believe God gave me you. I just needed to be patient, because perfect timing is everything.
This week, the last week in October, I had my first appointment for you. I was nervous to know if you were growing okay. If the blood thinners I was taking would cause any issues as you grow. When they showed me the ultrasound, you were just a tiny little bubble. Nothing more than a speck and a fetal pole. But you were there. The doctor told me I wasn't as far long as I originally thought. I thought I was about 5 weeks, turning 6. I was actually only 4 weeks, turning 5. I change weeks of pregnancy on Friday's. You were still developing, so I have another appointment to see you on ultrasound when I'm about 8 weeks along. At this upcoming appointment, I should be able to hear your heart beat and you should look a little more like a baby. Your dad will be going to this appointment with me. It's one of his favorite appointments to go to; the first time you hear your baby's heart beat.
Everything looked and sounded good, we were on top of things, and have arrangements made and plans made for how you'll come into this world already. I'm aware that sounds completely crazy. We only know because you have to come into this world by C-Section just like your siblings. The one thing I wasn't prepared to hear though was this... Lovenox. I thought I bypassed that possibility. My OBGYN did not agree with my Hematologist. She believed it was safer to be cautious and have me on the Lovenox injections vs not. I did not want to do self injections. That sounded incredibly terrifying. I also knew this would probably end up being tremendously expensive.
A few days after that appointment, I received a call. She had looked over my notes from the other doctor and made the decision to have me on Lovenox. When I got off the phone with her, the anxiety that had been building up over this took over and my body trembled. I fell to the ground heart broken and terrified. I wanted to quit. I felt as if the world turned against me and I couldn't do this. I slowly pulled myself together, to figure out the pieces, and navigate what I was suppose to do next. Skipping ahead, I excepted to do the shots after my OBGYN and Hematologist doctors agreed together this was best for me. I may never have an issue without the shots, but if I did have blood clot without taking the shots it would life or death for me or the baby. It was something we just had to except and face. The most challenging part of this all is the cost of the drug and the ability to have mind or matter. The drug is not cheap and my insurance doesn't really help cover much for any drugs. Thankfully, a few good people suggested Good RX to us and this will help us afford the drug. Honestly, paying $100-$200 monthly for some shots is pretty expensive when I have to do this for the entire pregnancy. Thankfully, with Good Rx we should be able to get a 90 day supply for around $267. I still had to face fears of injecting myself though. I was and am still very terrified of doing this. I went to an appointment where a nurse helped me and guided me on giving the shot to myself. I think I was just incredibly afraid of how it would feel inserting a needle into myself. That just sounds painful and gross. Oddly, it wasn't painful. I was aware I had stuck it into my body, but it wasn't painful like I thought it would be. These injections are given in your stomach. The only pain I felt with the first one was stinging, mainly because I took too long injecting the medicine into the tissue. I guess I need to be quicker about that and it shouldn't be as bad. I knew I had to just do it or I was never going to be able to do this. It's crazy how we can put ourselves into survival mode. (Update: shots suck. they can hurt.. a lot. I'm not perfect at them. My stomach is covered in bruises.)
I did it. I gave myself my first shot. I still have to give myself about 212 more shots before you arrive. I'll have to stay on blood thinners for a few weeks after you arrive too. It's only day two of giving myself these shots and I am still terrified, but I'm trying to stay strong and do this for you. I never thought in my wildest dreams that this would be the way things would go. That this is how I get to you.
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